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Category: Holidays

Schizophrenia Do you Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas Narcissistic Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..... Paranoid Santa Claus is Com . . .
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Dear Santa, I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers, or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across . . .
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"I'm down here." "Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy." "I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?" "I can get you off Santa's naughty list." "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys." "I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?&q . . .
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No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim Olive, the other reindeer. Frosty the Snow . . .
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The gift of a free membership to Weight Watchers The "Monica gift set" including a cigar, beret, and stain remover A ride-on vacuum cleaner -- especially when she is expecting her favorite perfume. A free consultation with Dr. Kevorkian A Solar powered flashlight A voucher for a free pap smear A ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds Membership in Fruitcake of the Month club The same lousy prese . . .
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Washington Post -- Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea. 4th runner up Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm 3rd runner up A Pee Wee Herman pull toy 2nd runner up The Duncan YoGoes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties 1st runner up 5,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a . . .
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Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry d . . .
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Oy to the World Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland Hava Nagilah - The Megamix Bubby Got Run Over by a Reindeer Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Jeez! Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People) I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version) Come on Baby, Light My Menorah Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh Silent Night? I . . .
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Rule No. 1 When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. Rule No. 2 Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. Rule No. 3 In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both. . . .
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If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop . . .
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